My Journey To Motherhood

I wanted to share with you an incredibly personal journey that myself and my husband have been through however this is from my point of view and how I am as a result.

I want to share this with you with as it is a topic that I think is not discussed about enough in general and has such a taboo about it that it is unreal. It’s not a story that everyone knows and those that do may not know the true depth of it.

***WARNING**** There maybe some graphic details that might make you feel uncomfortable

So without further delay here’s my story:-

I got married 17th September 2011, no sooner had I got married I had the baby bug I was broody and had a niece due to be born the following January. My husband and I discussed trying for a baby in great depth including the effect it would have on my Step-Daughter Lexi.

In February 2012 we decided that we would start trying for a family we didn’t tell anyone as we didn’t want any extra pressure on us to have a baby we just told people who ‘it will happen when it happens’ to our delight I fell pregnant in the May, we were surprised that it only took 3 months as I had been on the pill for quite a number of years. We decided that we would tell our immediate family members bar Lexi once we had it confirmed. I was 7 weeks pregnant when we told everyone and we decided to refer to the baby as peanut until we knew what we were having.

I remember having a conversation with my Mother-in-Law as to whether we would take Lexi to the 12 weeks scan with us if it was a weekend. I remember saying no incase there was a problem with the pregnancy and not wanting to try to deal with that as well as try to explain to a then 6-year-old.

I was 9 weeks pregnant when I started to have bleeding and I instantly started to panick as I had already had bleeding before the pregnancy was confirmed but assured by the nurse that it was normal. Anyway the bleeding was massively heavy to start with and I was getting mild cramps I had been on the phone to the midwife and the phone to the emergency maternity help line and they both told me to relax and just to keep an eye on it and if the cramps got really bad to go to A&E and that I would have an early emergency scan the next day. A couple of hours later the pain from the cramps got a lot worse we went to A&E as advised and after a good couple of hours of waiting I was sent home and told not to worry as a urine sample still showed me being pregnant and I wasn’t bleeding through more than one heavy-duty sanity towel an hour.

The next day I went to work as normal before I had to go to the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) for my early scan later that day. I had already made my boss aware that I was pregnant and what had been going on and she was fantastic. With the constant bleeding I was up and down to the loo like a yo-yo. Then on a trip to the loo I felt something and wiped with the tissue to find this blob covered in blood I have never felt so scared and terrified and I did in that instant I instantly started shaking and panicking. I knew I had to take it to my scan appointment but didn’t know if I needed to go then and there, fighting back the tears I called my boss away somewhere quiet and burst into tears I was a complete mess. She really was amazing to me she got my bag so I could call Matt to pick me up and she walked me out to meet him.

In the meantime I had got hold of the EPU and they had advised me to bring the blob with us and to just come the appointment as normal. We still had a couple of hours to wait. I couldn’t relax I was in a constant state of dread and panic trying all while trying to calm myself down tell myself that it could be nothing and that I shouldn’t panic until I knew what was happening.

While we were waiting for our appointment in the waiting room a woman who had been in before us had clearly received some bad news and I instantly felt for her and then a wave of panic came over me. Finally our time came and I swear laying on the bed thing waiting for the sonographer to tell us what the news felt like an age and then just like that so matter of fact he told us that I had a complete miscarriage that my womb was empty and that he could do a vaginal scan but didn’t see the point. How do you react to that? I just nodded and we were told to wait in the waiting room as they would need to take some blood to check my HCG levels. My husband being the man that he is tried to comfort me but I told him not to be nice to me not to say anything because I didn’t want to break down in the waiting room for the world and his wife to see.

I managed to hold it together until we were a room with the nurse taking my blood when she started to say some really nice things and that was it I couldn’t keep it in any longer the tears flowed and wouldn’t stop I felt like my whole world had just crumbled around me. I took the next day off as it was a Friday and stupidly thought that the weekend would be enough for me to deal with it and then return to work on the Monday like nothing had ever happened…I stupid and naive of me to think that. I did go to work but being there I physically felt sick to the stomach and my entire body shook, I had to leave. My boss let me leave after being surprised at my return and I got myself signed off for the rest of the week due to having the miscarriage.

I spent the week talking to family about it and just trying to get my head round what had happened and to convince myself that maybe it wasn’t my fault, I returned to work the following week with no problems, I had an appointment to go back to the EPU for more blood tests as I was still showing as positive on pregnancy tests. So on the Wednesday afternoon my husband took me back for the blood tests and we were informed that we would get the results later that afternoon and that the result from the sample of the blood I gave them turned out to be a blood clot and not the pregnancy. They were concerned as my HCG levels although were dropping weren’t dropping fast enough and because I hadn’t had a scan to confirm the location of the pregnancy they were concerned that it may be ectopic. I got a phone call advising me that my levels were still too high for some to have had a miscarriage 2 weeks prior and that I needed to do another pregnancy test in a week and that if it still showed as positive then they would have to put me on a management plan with a view of checking to see if it was ectopic. I was starting to get worried but didn’t really know what to think as I hadn’t had any symptoms for an ectopic pregnancy.

I went to work the next day trying to put it to the back of my mind and started to feels better in my mind about things then that evening everything changed I suddenly had an immense amount of pain in my right side like someone was constantly stabbing me the pain came in never-ending waves and the pressure in my bum was like nothing I had experienced before in my life I could barely stand up straight let alone walk and this happened while one the loo. I broke out in a cold sweat and felt like I was going to faint and throw up at the same time I called for Matt and curled up on the floor. I told him to call the help line or to phone an ambulance as something was very wrong, at this point Matt knew that there wasn’t time for either so he gave me some tough love and told me to get up and get my shoes on and that he would drive me to A&E. Now for us A&E is about 10-15 minutes away driving the speed limit. Matt got me there in 5 minutes! once Matt checked me in I felt like I need the loo and I just screamed in the disabled loo the pain was beyond unbearable, luckily a nurse happened to walk by and heard me she rushed me through to A&E’s assessment ward in a wheelchair after this I lost all concept of time and I don’t remember every thing that happened I remember being given an IV drip of paracetamol and 10 ml of Morphine which made me throw up and feeling like my head was going to fall off my body and land on the floor, I remember the constant pain. ( it’s very similar to labour but about 10x worse and with no break like to get with labour) I remember the nurse saying that I had gone a funny shade of green! at this point I was high on Morphine and gas and air! I cracked a joke that didn’t go down well at all. my response to being green was of excitement as green is my favorite colour I remember being told my heart rate didn’t look good and I was rushed into resus, Matt later told me that he over heard the nurse say they had the crash trolley on stand by  and I remember hearing them say my liver was swimming in fluid but they couldn’t tell what it was.

This is when the gynecologist found it was a ectopic pregnancy that had ruptured and that I had internal bleeding by this point it was the early hours of the friday morning so I have been told. I was advised that depending on damage I would lose either one or both my tubes!

After the operation and the blood transfusion I spent the next 6 weeks at home not being able to mentally deal with what had happened I hadn’t been told what to expect from my periods or anything. Luckily I only lost my right tube.

I had to do a lot of looking online to try to understand what had happened to me and that when I found The Ectopic pregnancy trust site  and found it so helpful in understanding what I had been through what how my body was likely to react to only having one tube.

One of the things that hurts when I look back at that time is how I just couldn’t be around Lexi I found it too painful, it wasn’t her fault and she didn’t know what happened (and still doesn’t) but I just didn’t know how to act I had not only lost a baby but I had lost a tube I hated myself my body and was angry at the world.

After a few months I felt like I was in a place where I wanted to start trying again. This time it 7 months to conceive and I was treated as high risk due to the ectopic and was given an early scan…again with this pregnancy I had bleeding but we saw the pregnancy in the womb and saw the flutter of the heart beat, I relaxed a little they even did a vaginal scan to make sure everything was ok and it was. I was warned that as they could see what caused the bleed or where it came from that I wasn’t out of the woods just yet. A few days later I was in some much pain the cramps where so painful and the bleeding wouldn’t stop I knew I was losing the baby so we went to A&E again and once again due to the ectopic I was rushed in and given Morphine and the fetus was pulled out, this time I had a miscarriage and I was 9 weeks pregnant. I can still remember it like was yesterday I remember how it felt when the gynecologist pulled the fetus out. Again my boss had been so amazing and supportive and once again I had myself signed off for a week, and just like with the 1st pregnancy I don’t think I will ever get over it. Sitting here typing this post and I can’t help but to hold back the tears.

This time I started to wonder whether there was a problem with me. Once is bad luck but to lose 2 in a row that’s more than bad luck. I began to wonder whether it was because I was over weight. So I decided to start working out to try to lose some weight which  I did. I started to wonder whether we should just give up I knew that if I lost another baby that there was no way I would be able to cope I knew that it would push me over the edge. My husband was so supportive he sat next to me and said that we would try for as long as I wanted to try to that if I wanted to stop then we would. He knew how much pain I was in with losing the 2 babies. Even today he is the only one who truly knows how much it has effected me.

4 Months after the miscarriage I fell pregnant with Logan it was a complete surprise as we had pretty much stopped trying. All the way through the 1st trimester I couldn’t relax I couldn’t allow myself to enjoy it I dreaded getting to the 9/10 weeks stage as that was when things started to go wrong with the 1st 2 pregnancies. Once we had our 12 weeks scan and everything seemed as it should be I completely relaxed and feel in love with being pregnant. And well the rest I guess is history.

Obviously physically I’m fully recovered, Mentally? well I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again….How can I be? If I’m being honest with myself and with you I think it has left me a little F*@$ked up. I say it like this because I want to be brutally honest and I can see it from the way I am with Logan…I am so protective of him and not in the normal mummy way but with just everything like, letting some else look after him or what ever. It’s not that I don’t trust other people but it’s just the issues from the other pregnancies that have done it. Any baby/child is precious but to me, Logan is more than precious to me he is my little miracle as corny as that may sound he’s my miracle baby.

I apologise for this being such a long post but I wanted to share this with you in the hope that maybe someone who is experiencing these things can know that they aren’t alone and that they can talk about it.

If you have read this post and have had a miscarriage or anything and need a stranger to talk to I’m here and listening.

Thank you and until next time

Sam X

Run Jump Scrap!

Other people's views

  1. Leanne Cornelius says:

    My heart broke for you while reading this. I was lucky enough not to have any complications with my pregnancy and can’t imagine what you must have gone through.
    I’m so pleased that pregnancy number 3 worked out and can completely understand why you feel protective over Logan.

    1. Sam says:

      Thank you, It’s still a bit surreal sometimes. There are days where it really affect’s me and other’s where I don’t really think about it. This weekend just gone (27th) was the 3 year anniversary of my emergency operation when I had the ectopic. I always find that day hard.
      It did take a long time to deal with it and I mostly have but the ectopic pregnancy and then the miscarriage have definately changed me as a person and in a way has mentally scarred me if that make sense? But thank you again

  2. cheryl says:

    I really felt for you… I experienced having a miscarriage too with my first pregnancy & it was so devastating! I’ll not even wish it to happen to my worst enemy… I’m glad I have my two kiddies now after that miscarriage…. http://Www.reimerandruby.com

    1. Sam says:

      It’s only when u experience something like that an then are able to have a baby that u really understand how much of a gift having a child is and how much we take for granted that we can just have a baby without any problems

  3. Renee @Peonieandme says:

    Hey lovely,

    I had such a lump in my throat reading your story (well your life really) and had to stop a few times as its so raw.

    You are incredibly brave and I was so happy to read that you had such an amazing support system in not only your husband, but your boss too.

    I completely understand why Logan is your miracle baby and I be you must kiss his little head everyday. What a gorgeous blessing.

    Thanks so much for sharing sweetie x

    1. Sam says:

      Thank you for saying that, it’s a subject which I think has far too much of a taboo against it, Women/couples who go through this should feel like they can talk about it. That what I wanted to do with this post is for women/couples to know their not alone and that it is ok to talk about it, and if it makes someone uncomfortable then that is that person’s problem. Sounds harsh but not meant to be. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

  4. laura dove says:

    I am so sorry to hear of your losses, sadly I can sympathise. We lost fifteen babies, and my son was stillborn at nine months pregnant, and I know all too well the pain of losing a baby and the taboos that surround that. I write about this subject quite often in my own blog as it is so important to talk about it and break down those taboos.
    Thankfully I have four healthy children who I consider to be my little miracles, but I never forget my fifth child, Joseph, or those fifteen little babies who never go the chance to grow. Thank you for sharing. #bestandworst

    1. Sam says:

      oh my gosh I’m sorry to hear that too, How do you even begin to deal with that? I’ve said that if I lost another baby then I would be done. But to carry on and having lost 15 you are incredably strong

  5. Leslie Rickerby says:

    Awww Sam, I don’t know how I’ve never read this before! I know you’ve told me about it but bless your heart! And Matts of course!
    I almost cried reading this. Although the bit about turning green made me laugh… That sounds exactly like something I would’ve said. I remember being on gas and air in labour with Dexter and making a joke about my hand swelling up. Nobody had noticed but I was amazed by it and they all went panic stations!! I personally thought it was hilarious but apparently not!
    Glad that you have Logan now though, you totally deserve him and you’re an awesome mum to him.

    1. Sam says:

      I wrote it a while back, last July I think si nit long after I started blogging. As horrible as the story/experience is/was I do still find my whole “Green’s my Favourite Colour” gate funny, I Was high as a kite on Morphine, Gas and Air and Paracetamol lol. He was totally worth the wait, although the past has made me extremely protective and controlling where he is concerned if that makes sense?

  6. Helen says:

    Bless you Sam, beautifully written and from the heart. An unbelievably hard thing to go through, my best friend went through the same a while back and it was just awful. Sometimes it’s good to write and get it off your chest. Thanks for sharing with the #bestandworst and lots of hugs your way X

    1. Sam says:

      Thanks Helen, sorry for the delay thought I had replied to this.
      It’s amazing how common it is for something that is a 1/100 chance of it happening and I don’t know what the chances are of haivng a Miscarriage after an ectopic. Like the saying goes what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

  7. Jo - Pickle and Poppet says:

    I totally understand what you say about being protective with your baby. We unfortunately had two miscarriages concurrently, one at 8 weeks then the next at 5 weeks. When I fell pregnant with R I was told by the doctor that if I lost this one they would look into it – not what you want to hear when your worried. Luckily I carried to term but like you I was so protective. If someone else held him I would watch everything they did and I really struggled to leave him. I would just watch him. It does stay with you, I am only now at a point where I can tell people that this has happened to me and my first angel baby would have been 5 this year.

    1. Sam says:

      Thanks for the comment. I still think about the babies I lost and it makes me treasure the two I have now. I have noticed much more relaxed with my second child Rae.

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