A Wife, A Mother and A Step-Mother, but who I am as a person? What is my identity? This is a question I have asked myself a lot over the last couple of years. I’ve been very open about my pregnancy problems. I’ve been very open about the fact that the problems have left me feeling a little mentally messed up so to speak about it. The person I was before all that happened has long gone.
I’ve also been asking the question a lot since becoming a mother especially a stay at home mother. I pride myself on the fact that I love looking after my family, for me they are my first priority. I make sure my husband is fed and watered and has everything he need’s throughout the day when he is working from home and even at the weekends, I do a lot for my Step-Daughter when she stay’s with us and obviously I also do a lot for my Son. I won’t sit down with my food until I know everyone else is either sat eating their’s or have already eaten. The problem with this of course is that I’ve made my life revolve entirely around them.
My husband would tell you that I don’t do enough for myself, that I spend far too much time looking after everyone else instead of looking after myself. But I know I’m not the only woman/Mother that does this, I think it’s in our DNA to look after ourselves last. I know I do quite often forget that I need to look after myself and sometimes it is by doing the simple things like taking 5 minutes after a shower or bath to moisturise my body…I rarely do.
We do take two nights a week each to have an hour and a half to do our own thing without having to worry about the boy. But I quite often end up on the laptop replying to comments or even writing a blog.
I would say that over the last 5-10 years who I am as a person has dramatically changed, I’ve grown up, I learned not to pre judge people, I’ve learned from life’s lessons but at the same time I have been broken down to a shell of the person I was. I use to be such a fun lovely kind of girl, always up for a laugh, I didn’t have anxiety or panic attacks, I was care free. But after the ectopic pregnancy and the miscarriage I worry about everything. I’ve become a lot more serious and stressful.
Some days I don’t recognise the person that I am. I look in the mirror and I see this face staring back at me and I see this woman who looks older than she is. Now I don’t want to be all woe is me I just want to be honest.
I’ve said in numerous conversations with my husband that I don’t know how to be the person I was when he fell in love with me. I feel like I been through so much emotionally in the last three years that I don’t think it’s even possible to be that person anymore.
Don’t get me wrong Matt and I have far more happy memories than we do bad and we have experienced some incredible things. I just wish I could find my way back to the person I was.
Some of my happiest memories with Matt are from our honeymoon in Turkey, You can see how happy I am in the picture above. This was september 2011. I knew exactly who I was. If I had been asked to describe myself back then I would have said….I’m a strong independent woman, I’m a care free fun-loving woman. Ask me that same question now what would I say?
I’m a Mother and a Wife, I’m insecure about my child-bearing body and I feel frumpy. I used to be really stylish with blazers, jackets, skinny jeans, boyfriend jeans you name it, scarfs and other accessories, and now I live in bootcut jeans and T Shirts and if I’m at home with the boy the clothes will no doubt have some sort of dirt from the toddler on them.
I want to find my way back to that person that I was or even I newer version of that person. I want to find my style again. This is a big thing for me.
The 3rd October see’s me turning 31 and as a birthday present from my husband I have asked him to pay for me to have a restyle at the hair salon which he has kindly said he will do. This is the first step. If you have been following my Jelly Belly To Yummy Mummy posts, you will know that I am trying to become healthier in every sense and to lose the baby weight and to tone up the body, If I am to find my identity away from my family then I need to make changes to myself, mental ones as well as physical ones.
For me it’s time I start looking after myself to give myself an identity that is something other than Wife, Mother and Step Mother. I need to do this for my sake and for my families sake.
Have any of you ever had an identity crisis? how did you deal with it? Or do you find it hard to relate and don’t understand what the problem is? Get in touch I’d like to hear from both sides. Leave a comment below or get in touch via social media I will reply to everyone who get’s in touch. I look forward to hearing from you.
As always thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed looking at pictures of me over the last 10 years or so. None of them are in order though.
Until next time,